Day 57

Dear Scarlet,

Over the last seven months, we have come to be best friends. I don't even know how we lived without you. You are such a joy in our lives and we are seriously so blessed to have you as our own.

This month has been really quite eventful. For Valentine's Day, we went to the cemetery and took Kingston a balloon and flowers. I guess we took them to Chad too since that's actually where we placed them since Kingston still doesn't have a headstone (someday soon he will. I hope).

You also got to take your first plane ride to California. You were absolutely wonderful. However, in the hustle and bustle of everything, I left my phone in Utah at the airport. Leave it to me to be so super flaky. At least I remembered you, right?

While in California we went to a lot of different places and had so much fun! You were such a joy! You would just sit in your stroller and look at everything. I seriously couldn't have planned for it to go any better. You even slept well. We got to take you swimming for the very first time. You loved it (check out the bikini!! I got this for you before you were born)! There's not a whole lot that you don't like.

You are such a good-mannered child. You sleep well, you're always happy, and you are such a flirt with your daddy! You always give him the cutest smiles.

We have started you on real baby food, not just the nasty rice cereal. You are an extremely good eater. So far you like squash, sweet potatoes, and apples. Peaches aren't quite your thing, but we'll keep working on it. You always want to grab the spoon when I feed you. There has only been one incident in which you sneezed as I was putting food in your mouth. Let's just say there was sqaush all over me, you, the table, and your Bumbo seat. No sneezing while eating, okay?

You now love to stand up. You are so interested in everything going on around you. You are so much fun to watch learn and grow. You will also roll from your back to your tummy and from your tummy to your back; however, you don't like to do it unless we make you. You seem to be a little lazy in that department.

I cannot believe another month of your life has passed right before my eyes. You have honestly brought so much joy into my life and I am beyond blessed to have you as my daughter.

Loves and loves,

Mama

p.s. You will now say "mama" and Papa says you also say "papa." I'll believe it when I see it! You little smarty pants!

Day 56

Dear Today,

I love you. You were so beautiful today. Scarlet and I took full advantage of the perfect weather and went for a walk. I didn't want to come back home, but of course I had to. She kicked her legs and talked the entire time we were walking. Please, can we have more of you?

Love,

Ashley

p.s. Ahhhh... 69 degrees is absolutely fantastisc.

Day 54

Dear Eduardo,

I have waited for today for 3-1/2 years. The day when I could pay for you and have you all to myself. Now I'm just waiting for the adoption papers to come through (car title). I always knew I wanted to pay you off before grad school and tah-dah!!! I did it!! This is kind of a huge deal for me since you are my very first brand new car purchase and all. Just think, no more interest on your loan, cheaper car insurance.... Ahhh.....

I heart you!

Love,

Your favorite driver ever, Me.

p.s. I would have put your picture on here but I can't find it. It must be on the other computer. Not that one, but the other one. No, not the pink one, the other one. There are too many computers in this house.

Day 53

Dear Pandora,

I had heard about you in the past, but I had never taken the time to get to know you. Since Ryan made me get a smartphone, I decided to give you a try on said smartphone. I can't stop listening to you. I even realized I could hook my phone up to the car and listen non-stop as I drove. Wonderful. It's been absolute heaven, until tonight. I got in the car, turned you on and the first song that popped up was none other than my Kingston song. Great. Obviously it's not a song I choose to listen to often since it stirs up a lot of emotion. The very second I heard the first note of this song, I lost it. I tried to cry and drive through the rain at the same time. It's a dang good thing I didn't crash Eduardo.

"I don't know you, but I want you all the more for that. Words fall through me and always fool me and I can't react. And games that never amount to more than they're meant will play themselves out.

Take this sinking boat and point it home. We've still got time. Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice. You'll make it now. Falling slowly, eyes that know me and I can't go back. Moods that take me and erase me and I'm painted black.

You have suffered enough and warred with yourself. It's time that you won."

I would listen to this song almost everyday in the last days of my son's life. "I don't know you, but I want you all the more for that." That line constantly played in my mind. It explained exactly how I felt about Kingston. I just wanted him to be with me. I wanted to get to know him.

The last line is the one that inevitably breaks me every time I hear this song. "You have suffered enough and warred with yourself. It's time that you won." I knew my son was fighting for his life every single day. I got to the point where I just knew he needed to let go and win the fight he was fighting. Is letting go winning? In his situation, yes. It was his freedom from an imperfect body, a body riddled with flaws, a body incapable of sustaining life.

So to you Pandora, I do love you, but please, can I have a little warning when you're going to play that song? What if I would have been with somebody in the car? That could have been extremely embarrassing.

From,

Ashley

p.s. I'm really glad that song came on after it was all said and done. Even though it brought up some emotions I wasn't expecting, it brought a lot of happiness to me. I miss my little Kingston.

p.p.s. I wanted this song sung at Kingston's funeral, but I didn't know if anybody else would appreciate it like I did. So instead, I hold this song very close to my heart and charish the moments I have with it.

Day 50

Dear Mom and Dad,

Thank you for taking Princess Penelope and our furry friend, Bella, for the night. Ryan and I were in great need of a date. We realized on our way home that this was our first actual date since we had had the babies. Wow. How have we not made time for ourselves? It felt so good to get out and enjoy each other. I almost didn't know what to do without my little girl attached to me.

Thanks!

Babe

Day 49

Dear Scarlet,

You are so totally completely awesome. You and I have been spending a large amount of time together. That's not unusual, it's just that your dad has been working REALLY hard this week. He has worked 8 straight 12+ hour shifts in the ICU (night shifts no less). Needless to say, your daddy has been working or sleeping for the last week and we haven't seen him much. Since he has been gone, I thought I would take the opportunity to teach you how to say "mama." I know that you are still really young. Afterall, you should only be five months old at this point in your life. I had seriously been working on this for the last two days pretty diligently. Tonight, while you were in the bath tub, I kept saying, "mama." I could see you processing the movement of my lips and the sounds coming out of my mouth. It was like you were studying every movement I made. Then all of a sudden out popped, "mamamama." I thought it was a fluke so I tried to get you to do it again. Yep, you did it again. I called your dad's phone and said, "Scarlet would like to tell you who she thinks is the coolest." Right on queue you said, "mamamama." See, you are quite spectacular. No, you are more than spectacular. You are by far the coolest, most amazing, fantastic, wonderful child I have ever laid eyes on. I just adore you.

Smitten,

Mama

p.s. I can't wait for you to be able to wear the moo moo Josh brought you from Hawaii. It is freaking adorable.

p.p.s. You are doing an amazing job at eating your squash. Next time you're going to sneeze though, could you please warn me so I don't get showered in orange goo? Thanks!

Day 47

Dear World,

I haven't written for a while. There are a few reasons for that. My little family and I went for an adventure to California. Ryan had an interview in Pasadena for a grad school. Let's just say that it went well. Really well. Probably well enough to be moving to California in 6-18 months. I can give a 70-80% chance of moving withing 6 months and a 100% chance of moving within 18 months. Only time will tell.

The other reason I haven't written for a while is this. I have felt deeply submerged in grief. I barely feel I can come up for air. I oftentimes am overcome with grief, but this time I am struggling to recover. I think about my son often. Scarlet has been doing so many new things and I can't help but wonder what it would be like if he were here doing the same things. It makes me sad. I almost want my baby girl to stay a baby forever so I don't have to have these thoughts. I will regain consciousness at some point. I hope it is soon. Until then, you will just have to deal with the shell that is me.

Bleh,

Ashley

Day 33

Dear California,

Please don't rain on me. I want to enjoy your beautiful beaches and warm sunshine. I'll see you soon!

From,

Ashley

Day 30

Dear Kingston,

Six months and one day ago I held you in my arms and watched you pass away. The heartache I felt as you slipped from your mortal body was indeed great. Throughout the remainder of the day, I watched as loved ones gathered around you. Although most of them had tears in their eyes, they were smiling to be in your presence. To hold something so tiny and precious is not something we will soon forget.

Today, we remembered you. We are sending love to you in heaven. Happy six month birthday little King! Keep watch over us, okay?

Love you always,

Mom

Day 29

Dear Scarlet,

Oh my word! How is it that six months have come and gone so fast? I cannot believe you, little Princess Penelope, are six months old today. I'm speechless. You now weigh in at a whopping 11 pounds 14 ounces (0th percentile). You are now 24 inches long (up 7-1/2 inches since birth, and I think 4th percentile). In the last month, we decided to see how you liked your first solid food. You hated it. In fact, you still hate it. You will drink it in your bottle, but you will not eat it from a spoon. We'll get there eventually. We took you out to eat and you got to sit in your very first big girl high chair! Obviously you were a bit too small for it, but we pretended it worked. We just stuck blankets and coats behind you to help you stay upright.

You have discovered your feet this month. It's so cute watching you grab them and try to eat them. When you grab your feet, you end up rolling from side to side. It won't be long before your rolling from your back to your tummy. However, this week you did roll from your tummy to back! Your daddy was sleeping and I was screaming from the other room in excitement. When he woke up, he asked me what I was screaming about. You showed him too. You are so awesome.

You love to stand up! You want to be standing up all the time lately. I have discovered that you can hold onto the coffee table/ottoman thing and hold yourself up. It's so cute. Your little head barely pokes up over the edge. You just are so small and to see you standing up is really adorable.

Scarlet, you bring me never-ending joy. I am so blessed to be your mom. Thank you so much for being in my life. One of my favorite parts of the day is when I get to hold you at night and rock you to sleep. I love looking at your little tiny features and thinking about how perfectly shaped your lips and nose are. I just think you are the cutest baby ever.

Happy half birthday little Scarlet! I love you to pieces and pieces.

Loves,

Mom

Day 28

Dear Yesterday,

February 9, 2010.... "There's one... and there's two!" A year ago from yesterday was the day we found out we were expecting twins. That was such a magical moment. I remember lying on the exam table, holding Ryan's hand, and crying. I could do nothing to stop the flow of tears as I was overcome with such joy. Then the doctor turned the sound on and at that moment, everything was real. Two beating hearts. I heard it. Woosh, woosh, woosh, woosh. I miss it. A lot.

I spent many hours listening to those heartbeats, especially in the last month of pregnancy. There was a night when I was admitted to the hospital when I let the sound of Kingston's beating heart lull me to sleep. I never wanted it to end, but the reality of the situation was just the opposite. It would end sooner than I wanted. Reality bites.

I would love to be able to rewind life and re-live this moment over and over again. Things were perfect then. Life was fabulous. It would only be three short months from that time until we found out we would not get to bring both babies home from the hospital.

Yesterday, you will always be a significant day in my life. A day of great joy and celebration. Thank you for existing.

Love,

Ashley

Day 27

Dear Secretary,

You ruined my day today. Your bad attitude and rude demeanor put me in a very bad mood. I can't even believe how rude you were to me while I had a screaming child that I needed to get home. I'm so sorry that me paying my bill and trying to be responsible really put you out. I know it is really hard for you to get off your big butt and walk the 5 feet to the credit card machine and run my card for my bill. You should really reconsider how you treat people. Maybe you were just having a bad day? What can I do for you to make it better?

Please, for the love of God, change your attitude!!!

Sincerely,

Disappointed

p.s. You are the reason I never want to step foot in that office and have been for the last three years. Thankfully I really like the doctors there or we would have gone somewhere else by now. You are a horrible person. Thanks for making my day miserable.

Day 26

Dear Kingston,

Today, I went and picked out some beautiful blue flowers for you for Valentine's Day. These are the flowers I wanted on your casket. We had daisies, just not as beautiful and cheerful as these. I love having them in our house. They are such a beautiful reminder of somebody so precious. I am so grateful you are my son. Kingston, I miss you terribly. There's not a day that goes by that I'm not thinking about you. I wish so badly that I could just hold you once more. You were so perfect in my eyes. Every time I walk into the kitchen and look at these flowers and smell them from across the room, I will think of you and wish you were here with me.

Love you forever and ever,

Mom

Day 25

Dear Bunco Group,

I absolutely love you girls! You make me so happy. I always enjoy talking to all of you about yours lives, kids, husbands, problems, etc. You are an amazing group of women. When I leave Utah in a few short months, I will definitely miss you guys. I'm not kidding about being on a webcam for bunco. I love you guys that much. Thanks for letting Scarlet come with me tonight. She loved it! She passed out on the way home because she had had way too much fun partying it up with the girls.

Love,

Ash

Day 22

Dear Scarlet,

I'm so proud of you! You were such a brave girl today. I took you to the mall and Taya helped us pick out the perfect little earings for you. They are stars with little diamonds in the center. They're really super cute. You kind of freaked out a little when I had to hold your head still so the girls could pierce your ears. They were very fast and before I knew it, it was all over. I picked out a sucker for you and gave you a taste. You loved it! You would smile every time the sucker would touch your tongue. You're so cute! I just love you to pieces. I hope you like your new earings.

Loves,

Mom

Day 21

Dear Autumn,

Thanks for showing me this awesome project. I have been working on it tonight and I've been loving it. I'm so excited to have a bunch of homemade washcloths!! Thanks for the fun idea! I will now go work on it while I watch my DVR'd episodes of American Idol.

Thanks,

Ashley

Day 20

Dear Todd,

Working out has its consequences.

Love,

Tiffany

p.s. Sorry you hurt your foot. No more church basketball for you.

Day 19

Dear Asians,

I really love the way you do my pedicure. I'm so glad you took extra time to really massage my calves today. It was heavenly! Thanks for letting me and Molly sit in your salon and talk for a couple of hours (or almost 3 hours). You also did a really cute flower on my toes. Love it!! It will be extra cute in California in a couple of weeks.

From,

Ashley

Day 18

Dear Monday,

You're not really my friend. Thanks for trying though.

Sincerely,

Me

p.s. Why isn't Scarlet sleeping through the night anymore? Little stinker.

Day 17

Dear Ryan,

Do you remember this day? This was the night before we brought our precious little miracle home. This is the first time you got to feed her. I remember being so proud of you. I'm still so proud of you. You are an amazing father. Scarlet is so lucky to have you for her dad. I think this was probably the longest night of your life, but what wonderful memories we will always have from this experience. You're the best.

Love,

Ash

Day 16

Dear Me,

Well, I am late getting this letter out. It has been quite the weekend. Not really, but we can pretend that it has been. I didn't get to write to you because I was busy with the girls chit-chatting about girl stuff and picking out bras and Victoria's Secret. It was a lovely evening to say the least. I think Scarlet even enjoyed it as well. Now to catch up on some sleep.

Sleepy,

Me

Day 15

Dear Mexican Food,

I love your cheesy deliciousness. I could eat you everyday. Actually, I probably do eat you everyday. Mmmm.... burritoes.... enchiladas.... tacos.... mmmm..... I think I have an addiction.

Salivating,

Me

Day 14

Dear DPB,

DPB. What does that stand for? Dead baby parents. Am I insensitive? No, not at all. I call my support group, dead baby parents. Why? Because all of us are there for the same reason. I am beyond grateful that I have this group of people to surround myself with once a month and share our stories. It is so nice that I get that one night a month to remember my little Kingston and honor him. I love sharing his story and I love to hear the stories of those around me. It is so uplifting and humbling. Thank you for being there DPB. I'm sorry you're there, but thank you.

Sincerely,

Ashley

Day 13

Dear Me,

Oh me, oh my. Calm down girl. You are almost at a minor freak out level. Breathe. Deep breaths. When Scarlet doesn't nap, it freaks me/you out. Thankfully she is asleep now. Now if work would just get under control. (Insert scream here)

Good luck,

Yourself

p.s. I think it might be time for you to go get that pedicure you've been waiting for (and a Coke and/or Dr. Pepper).

Day 12

Dear Kelly,

You totally made my week tonight! I'm so, so glad you and Ruth stopped by to visit. I love that even though we haven't seen each other in what feels like ages, we can still get together and pick up right where we left off. That is true friendship right there. I'm especially glad that Ruth threw up, not spit up, but threw up, all 6 ounces of her bottle all over you as well. I needed that good laugh. Sorry you were covered in throw up and all I did was laugh at you. Thank you so much for coming to see us!

Loves,

Ashley

p.s. I still can't believe Ruth and Scarlet are only about 6 or 7 weeks apart.

Day 11

Dear IRS,

I hate taxes. Nothing in life is certain except for death and taxes. How depressing. Thanks for bringing on the dreariness in our lives today.

Frustrated,

Me

Day 10

Dear Oprah,

I am very disappointed with what you have done with one of my favorite television stations. You took Discovery Health and turned it into OWN, the Oprah Winfrey Network. Are you serious? You took away all of my favorite shows and replaced them with non-stop Oprah. Ugh. I do not like your station at all, nor do I like any of the five shows you show on your station. Seriously, you need to add a little more to your "network" than just five shows or you could always just give me back Discovery Health.

Disappointed,

Ashley

Day 9

Dear Kingston and Scarlet,

Today marks the year anniversary of the night before I had a positive pregnancy test. I remember that night well. I went to Borders with your dad, picked a book and got a hot chocolate and sat in the middle of the store and people gazed. It was such a fun night. I remember it being super snowy that night too. This year is a bit different. I'm not pregnant this time around and one of you is missing. It's been a very tough year this year. Even though we have had our rough patches, we are so blessed and proud of our two children. Kingston, you are perfect and amazing. You bring such a peace into our lives. Scarlet, you are beautiful and so much fun to be around. I love watching you grow.

I can't believe it has already been a year since the beginning of our journey. You two are just amazing. Kingston, I cannot wait to be eveloped in your arms when I see you again. Scarlet, I'm just excited to watch you grow and learn. You bring me such great joy. Thank you both for being my children. I am so lucky to be your mom.

In Awe,

Mommy

p.s. Kingston, I miss you like you can't even imagine. Whisper to me in my dreams, okay? I love you!

Day 8

Dear Dentist,

I can't say that I was super excited to see you today; however, I really liked your office and how nice and comfy it was. The TV right above my head was lovely as well as the warm washcloth at the end of my appointment. Thank you so much for fixing my chronically-breaking front tooth. I hate that tooth. One day when I am rich, I will get veneres. I'll see you again in six months and I hope at that time you won't have to make me feel like I got punched in the face again. I really hate mouth shots. Plus, the numbing gel always tastes like shiz. Thanks though. See you in July!

From,

Your favorite patient, Ashley

p.s. My new phone is super awesome now. I finally figured out how to use it and we're now good friends.

p.p.s. My "friends" at work, a.k.a "the foreign dictators" are making me crazy. (not foreign dictators as in leaders, but as in doctors who are foreign and dictate lovely dictation that I get to interpret into English. Did you know that I spoke not only doctor, but foreign doctor? Are you impressed?)

Day 7

Dear Phone,

They call you a "Smartphone" and I finally realized why. You actually have to be smart to know how you operate. Granted I have only had you now for about 3-1/2 hours, but still, you're impossible. It probably would help if I read your manual and tried to figure you out, but you're just too complicated. However, you are violet in color and quite mesmerizing. I hope to learn to love you.

Confused,

Ashley

p.s. I have to go to the dentist tomorrow. You're coming with me so I don't get so bored. Ick, I don't like dentists.

Day 6

Dear Scarlet,

Tonight was a new first for you. You got to try your very first rice cereal!! You absolutely hated it. I would put it in your mouth and then you would shiver like it was the most disgusting thing you have ever had in your entire life. Well, that's probably exactly what it was actually. You were so stinking cute! Hopefully you start to like food or we will be in big trouble. I'll try this again tomorrow and see how it goes. You are just too cute to not try it again.

Love you baby girl!

Heart,

Mom

Day 5

Dear Pero,

Tonight I am drinking your deliciousy goodness. You're the "clean" version of coffee, which for me is a win/win. I get a good drink and I'm not breaking any WOW rules. Sa-weet. Thanks for being in existence. If I can't have Lenito's Taco Shop anymore, at least I can have my delicious, piping hot glass of Pero (with sugar and cream, vanilla cream to be exact).

In Love,

Ashley

p.s. Why did Lenito's go away? They had the all-time BEST rolled tacos ever. I miss them like you can't even believe. I keep wishing for them to come back, but alas, they have not.

Day 4

(This is a letter from Heaven. It was read to me on August 17, 2010, five months ago today).

August 16, 2010

Dear Mom and Dad,

How are you? I am fine. No, really I am fine. Let me try to explain.

Since I have left you, I have been extremely busy helping to teach people about the Plan of Salvation and the Purpose of Life as well as many other truths of our Father. I know my mortal life was very short, yet very necessary. My gift from God was a tangible, physical body that I will have forever when I am resurrected, and it will be perfect and without blemish. If it wasn't for the efforts of both of you, that body would not be.

Mom, I felt so comfortable and secure as my body developed inside you. You made me feel warm and peaceful. I knew something was not correct with the way I developed, but both of you can rest assure with a confident knowledge that my development was part of God's plan. Neither of you are at fault for the physical challenge that I experienced. Sometimes, things of the mortal world are not perfect. Perfection is something that is earned through the trials that are put in front of us. My trial just happened to be different than yours.

I can tell you that my experience of birth was without question, wonderful. To beathe the air and fill my senses with a short life is an experience that will always be with me. Momma, you are so beautiful, and daddy, to be like you brings me joy. This is such a wonderful blessing to have you both as my earthly parents. I told you both that I loved you. I didn't have a lot of strength to enjoy the physical conversation that I desired to have, but I know you heard me.

To hear my little sister's cry was stirring. The months Scarlet and I spent inside of you, mom, was an incredible experience. We were never alone. We always had each other while with you.

Daddy, the blessing you gave me with grandpa was magnficent. When you held me in your hands and guarded me with your arms, I felt your strength and concern to protect me. Your words are eternal and those blessings are being realized right now. To see your tears as you and I developed a relationship was extremely comforting. You can certainly expect to pick up where we left off with that experience.

Momma, your caress and embracing me next to your heart as the angels of heaven escorted me back to the presence of God was so soothing to my spirit. Your calm and loving voice, warm breath and soft touch testified to me that you are my mother and earthly angel. I can hardly wait until I can embrace you in my arms.

Wow, what a sight it was to see everyone through my small eyes that cares for me. Even after I left my tabernacle of flesh, I was filled with joy to witness my family members and parent's friends visit and express their love.

I want all of you to know that this is a time to celebrate my short life. I have come to earth, I have gained a body and I have returned to my Father in Heaven. My earthly experience was short, but extremely important as is yours. I have been blessed with the Celestial Kingdom as my reward. Not yet the highest degree of that kingdom for the ordinance of eternal marriage I look forward to is expected during the Millennium.

My earthly experience has been an exceptional trip. Even now to witness this sacred graveside service brings joy to me. Please know that what you feel as a broken heart is not that at all. What you feel is me touching your hearts as you have touched mine. Also recognize, Mom and Dad, that I will always be aware of what is happening to you and if you feel me near you, it is because I am.

Well, TTFN.

Love,

Your son, Kingston

p.s. There are so many people that I know here and they all send their love to you. See you when you get here.

p.p.s. My crazy Aunt Linda is making funny faces at me to crack me up.

p.p.p.s. Scarlet, you have the feet of a dancer. I felt them many times. I am very pleased to be your big brother.

Day 3

Dear Molly,

Today was such a wonderful day and it was all thanks to you and your beautiful daughter! I have always thought Ahnika has your beauty. She is one lucky girl. She looked so beautiful today in her beautiful blessing dress.

Do you remember the first time we met? I do. We went on a double date to a rodeo. You probably thought I was such a brat. Sorry about that. I just remember thinking how beautiful you were (and still are). I hated competing against you in the Miss Payson pageant because you were way too beautiful and talented. Your dress was so gorgeous. You looked like a modern-day Cinderella.

I feel so blessed to have gotten to know you over the last several years. You were an amazing roommate and you have always been such a wonderful friend. You are such a great example to those who are around you. Thank you for being you.

Loves,

Ashley

Day 2

Dear Me,

Today you did something you haven't done for quite some time. Now, I'm going to defend you for a moment since you were pregnant with twins last year and couldn't really do much, so there was a good reason you haven't done this for a while. Today, you worked out! Yes, it's true. Work out clothes and all. Now, the crappy thing about working out? It makes you really hungry. So hungry in fact, that nothing fills you up. You end up coming home and all you want to eat are candy bars and Dr. Pepper, thus defeating the purpose of working out. So why in the world did you even work out?

Sleep well. You're exhausted.

From,

Me

p.s. What is wrong with people that eat toilet paper and sleep with blow dryers? It's weird.

Day 1

Dear Blog,

Today is my first day of letters. I hope that you and I can become best of friends throughout this journey. I thought of creating you when people starting saying how much they enjoyed my letters to Scarlet. Not only will you contain those letters, but letters to many different people, places and things. I'm excited for this year and all it has to offer. Good luck to me!

Love,

Me

p.s. Bella is asleep on my lap and I can feel her breathing through my sweater. Gross. I love her anyway. She's learned a new trick this week. She can now play dead on the command of "bang, bang!" It's pretty awesome.