Day 53

Dear Pandora,

I had heard about you in the past, but I had never taken the time to get to know you. Since Ryan made me get a smartphone, I decided to give you a try on said smartphone. I can't stop listening to you. I even realized I could hook my phone up to the car and listen non-stop as I drove. Wonderful. It's been absolute heaven, until tonight. I got in the car, turned you on and the first song that popped up was none other than my Kingston song. Great. Obviously it's not a song I choose to listen to often since it stirs up a lot of emotion. The very second I heard the first note of this song, I lost it. I tried to cry and drive through the rain at the same time. It's a dang good thing I didn't crash Eduardo.

"I don't know you, but I want you all the more for that. Words fall through me and always fool me and I can't react. And games that never amount to more than they're meant will play themselves out.

Take this sinking boat and point it home. We've still got time. Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice. You'll make it now. Falling slowly, eyes that know me and I can't go back. Moods that take me and erase me and I'm painted black.

You have suffered enough and warred with yourself. It's time that you won."

I would listen to this song almost everyday in the last days of my son's life. "I don't know you, but I want you all the more for that." That line constantly played in my mind. It explained exactly how I felt about Kingston. I just wanted him to be with me. I wanted to get to know him.

The last line is the one that inevitably breaks me every time I hear this song. "You have suffered enough and warred with yourself. It's time that you won." I knew my son was fighting for his life every single day. I got to the point where I just knew he needed to let go and win the fight he was fighting. Is letting go winning? In his situation, yes. It was his freedom from an imperfect body, a body riddled with flaws, a body incapable of sustaining life.

So to you Pandora, I do love you, but please, can I have a little warning when you're going to play that song? What if I would have been with somebody in the car? That could have been extremely embarrassing.

From,

Ashley

p.s. I'm really glad that song came on after it was all said and done. Even though it brought up some emotions I wasn't expecting, it brought a lot of happiness to me. I miss my little Kingston.

p.p.s. I wanted this song sung at Kingston's funeral, but I didn't know if anybody else would appreciate it like I did. So instead, I hold this song very close to my heart and charish the moments I have with it.