Day 57

Dear Scarlet,

Over the last seven months, we have come to be best friends. I don't even know how we lived without you. You are such a joy in our lives and we are seriously so blessed to have you as our own.

This month has been really quite eventful. For Valentine's Day, we went to the cemetery and took Kingston a balloon and flowers. I guess we took them to Chad too since that's actually where we placed them since Kingston still doesn't have a headstone (someday soon he will. I hope).

You also got to take your first plane ride to California. You were absolutely wonderful. However, in the hustle and bustle of everything, I left my phone in Utah at the airport. Leave it to me to be so super flaky. At least I remembered you, right?

While in California we went to a lot of different places and had so much fun! You were such a joy! You would just sit in your stroller and look at everything. I seriously couldn't have planned for it to go any better. You even slept well. We got to take you swimming for the very first time. You loved it (check out the bikini!! I got this for you before you were born)! There's not a whole lot that you don't like.

You are such a good-mannered child. You sleep well, you're always happy, and you are such a flirt with your daddy! You always give him the cutest smiles.

We have started you on real baby food, not just the nasty rice cereal. You are an extremely good eater. So far you like squash, sweet potatoes, and apples. Peaches aren't quite your thing, but we'll keep working on it. You always want to grab the spoon when I feed you. There has only been one incident in which you sneezed as I was putting food in your mouth. Let's just say there was sqaush all over me, you, the table, and your Bumbo seat. No sneezing while eating, okay?

You now love to stand up. You are so interested in everything going on around you. You are so much fun to watch learn and grow. You will also roll from your back to your tummy and from your tummy to your back; however, you don't like to do it unless we make you. You seem to be a little lazy in that department.

I cannot believe another month of your life has passed right before my eyes. You have honestly brought so much joy into my life and I am beyond blessed to have you as my daughter.

Loves and loves,

Mama

p.s. You will now say "mama" and Papa says you also say "papa." I'll believe it when I see it! You little smarty pants!

Day 56

Dear Today,

I love you. You were so beautiful today. Scarlet and I took full advantage of the perfect weather and went for a walk. I didn't want to come back home, but of course I had to. She kicked her legs and talked the entire time we were walking. Please, can we have more of you?

Love,

Ashley

p.s. Ahhhh... 69 degrees is absolutely fantastisc.

Day 54

Dear Eduardo,

I have waited for today for 3-1/2 years. The day when I could pay for you and have you all to myself. Now I'm just waiting for the adoption papers to come through (car title). I always knew I wanted to pay you off before grad school and tah-dah!!! I did it!! This is kind of a huge deal for me since you are my very first brand new car purchase and all. Just think, no more interest on your loan, cheaper car insurance.... Ahhh.....

I heart you!

Love,

Your favorite driver ever, Me.

p.s. I would have put your picture on here but I can't find it. It must be on the other computer. Not that one, but the other one. No, not the pink one, the other one. There are too many computers in this house.

Day 53

Dear Pandora,

I had heard about you in the past, but I had never taken the time to get to know you. Since Ryan made me get a smartphone, I decided to give you a try on said smartphone. I can't stop listening to you. I even realized I could hook my phone up to the car and listen non-stop as I drove. Wonderful. It's been absolute heaven, until tonight. I got in the car, turned you on and the first song that popped up was none other than my Kingston song. Great. Obviously it's not a song I choose to listen to often since it stirs up a lot of emotion. The very second I heard the first note of this song, I lost it. I tried to cry and drive through the rain at the same time. It's a dang good thing I didn't crash Eduardo.

"I don't know you, but I want you all the more for that. Words fall through me and always fool me and I can't react. And games that never amount to more than they're meant will play themselves out.

Take this sinking boat and point it home. We've still got time. Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice. You'll make it now. Falling slowly, eyes that know me and I can't go back. Moods that take me and erase me and I'm painted black.

You have suffered enough and warred with yourself. It's time that you won."

I would listen to this song almost everyday in the last days of my son's life. "I don't know you, but I want you all the more for that." That line constantly played in my mind. It explained exactly how I felt about Kingston. I just wanted him to be with me. I wanted to get to know him.

The last line is the one that inevitably breaks me every time I hear this song. "You have suffered enough and warred with yourself. It's time that you won." I knew my son was fighting for his life every single day. I got to the point where I just knew he needed to let go and win the fight he was fighting. Is letting go winning? In his situation, yes. It was his freedom from an imperfect body, a body riddled with flaws, a body incapable of sustaining life.

So to you Pandora, I do love you, but please, can I have a little warning when you're going to play that song? What if I would have been with somebody in the car? That could have been extremely embarrassing.

From,

Ashley

p.s. I'm really glad that song came on after it was all said and done. Even though it brought up some emotions I wasn't expecting, it brought a lot of happiness to me. I miss my little Kingston.

p.p.s. I wanted this song sung at Kingston's funeral, but I didn't know if anybody else would appreciate it like I did. So instead, I hold this song very close to my heart and charish the moments I have with it.

Day 50

Dear Mom and Dad,

Thank you for taking Princess Penelope and our furry friend, Bella, for the night. Ryan and I were in great need of a date. We realized on our way home that this was our first actual date since we had had the babies. Wow. How have we not made time for ourselves? It felt so good to get out and enjoy each other. I almost didn't know what to do without my little girl attached to me.

Thanks!

Babe

Day 49

Dear Scarlet,

You are so totally completely awesome. You and I have been spending a large amount of time together. That's not unusual, it's just that your dad has been working REALLY hard this week. He has worked 8 straight 12+ hour shifts in the ICU (night shifts no less). Needless to say, your daddy has been working or sleeping for the last week and we haven't seen him much. Since he has been gone, I thought I would take the opportunity to teach you how to say "mama." I know that you are still really young. Afterall, you should only be five months old at this point in your life. I had seriously been working on this for the last two days pretty diligently. Tonight, while you were in the bath tub, I kept saying, "mama." I could see you processing the movement of my lips and the sounds coming out of my mouth. It was like you were studying every movement I made. Then all of a sudden out popped, "mamamama." I thought it was a fluke so I tried to get you to do it again. Yep, you did it again. I called your dad's phone and said, "Scarlet would like to tell you who she thinks is the coolest." Right on queue you said, "mamamama." See, you are quite spectacular. No, you are more than spectacular. You are by far the coolest, most amazing, fantastic, wonderful child I have ever laid eyes on. I just adore you.

Smitten,

Mama

p.s. I can't wait for you to be able to wear the moo moo Josh brought you from Hawaii. It is freaking adorable.

p.p.s. You are doing an amazing job at eating your squash. Next time you're going to sneeze though, could you please warn me so I don't get showered in orange goo? Thanks!

Day 47

Dear World,

I haven't written for a while. There are a few reasons for that. My little family and I went for an adventure to California. Ryan had an interview in Pasadena for a grad school. Let's just say that it went well. Really well. Probably well enough to be moving to California in 6-18 months. I can give a 70-80% chance of moving withing 6 months and a 100% chance of moving within 18 months. Only time will tell.

The other reason I haven't written for a while is this. I have felt deeply submerged in grief. I barely feel I can come up for air. I oftentimes am overcome with grief, but this time I am struggling to recover. I think about my son often. Scarlet has been doing so many new things and I can't help but wonder what it would be like if he were here doing the same things. It makes me sad. I almost want my baby girl to stay a baby forever so I don't have to have these thoughts. I will regain consciousness at some point. I hope it is soon. Until then, you will just have to deal with the shell that is me.

Bleh,

Ashley